Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night Review

Yes, you just read that. Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night. There's already a baffling confusion at the title alone. When did Pinocchio, a wooden puppet desperate to be a boy, ever face or even seem like the type to face an Emperor of 'night'? Apparently in this movie. Made by the same people who made 'Happily Ever After', a Snow White movie where Snow White looked more like Ariel than even Snow White.

The Review is at the end. This next section is sort of a once over of the plot.

The movie starts out in a bog where a bumblebee man is sleeping in his leaf home. Mind you he's fully dressed, but must sleep under a leaf. Suddenly a giant ship rolls in and opens to reveal...Well, the closest thing I could compare it to is a giant tapeworm. It rolls in with some carts and creates a giant carnival. Out of the ship steps an evil Ronald McDonald led by a booming voice, which may be the narrator whose gone rogue. The bumblebee man flees... The scene ends.

Suddenly we cut to a little house where inside an old man, assuming this is Geppetto, who is building something while his obvious ripoff of Tweety stands nearby. Soon afterwards Pinocchio comes drunkenly swaggering down the stairs and waltzes in. But something's amiss... Pinocchio is a real boy already, so this must be a sequel to A: the Pinocchio story, or B: Disney's Pinocchio movie... I'll give them the benefit of the doubt on this one...

It turns out Geppetto made a birthday cake for the boy. It has been a year since Pinocchio has become a real boy. They celebrate with a brief party and he wishes for his Fairy Godmother to appear. Though when she does appear he cries out in terror. Geppetto turns on the charm with his offering of cake, though the fairy turns him down and talks to Pinocchio about how far he's grown while the boy stares at her with a dazed look. After a five minute tangent the Fairy Godmother breaks into a song that I swear is one of the most generic 'love-based' songs I've ever heard.

She then warns that if he 'takes his freedom for granted' he may become a puppet... I thought the song was about love so why is the message freedom? Freedom is something that someone learns later on in life, not usually as a child. Besides, Pinocchio WAS free as a puppet. He just did silly things and trusted the wrong people, leading to himself being captured, so what he gained was 'responsibility and wisdom'. Not just 'freedom' alone.

Regardless, the Fairy Godmother leaves without answering any questions and creates life from a statue. Suddenly Geppetto realizes that he actually has a job and reveals a jeweled box that the mayor was to buy. Pinocchio asks to take it and Geppetto, whose obviously become too comfortable in the last year, willingly agrees. He also tells Pinocchio to stay away from the carnival as well. Apparently they live next to that massive bog.

...Or maybe the carnival actually isn't in a bog as he sees the carnival later nearby. Pinocchio, instead of doing the smart thing and delivering the package first, starts to the carnival. That's when the statue, puppet, bug thing comes to life. He accidentally names him Gee Willi- Gee because I cannot spell. He tells Pinnochio to get going and he STILL goes to the carnival, which is so amazing looking with its lack of details and single tent.

Suddenly we're shown a shady raccoon- flashbacks to the Disney film- who runs a three shell game while Abu steals gold out of baskets. Abu also talks, oddly enough. The people catch on to Tom Nook and Abu, but the two crooks manage to get away just in time. They run into the relatively unappealing and boring carnival. Hijinks ensue and eventually they crash onto Pinocchio whose surprisingly not killed. They then manage to get Pinocchio to trade the box for a fake jewel, ignoring that the box is a jeweled box.

Unsurprisingly, Geppetto is upset with the transaction, but then again he sent a one year old to carry a hunk of gold to the mayor. Pinocchio then decides to run away to the carnival so that he cannot hurt his father anymore... Therefore hurting his father even more. 

Now, they could've used another trope to somewhat make this more bearable. If the plot was that Pinocchio snuck out to the carnival to get the box back at least it would be a misguided attempt at responsibility. This is just Pinocchio running from his problems.

At the carnival he is introduced to Twinkle, a lifeless girl puppet, and Puppetino, the 'Woorld's Grea'est Poppet Mosstar'. You may know him as Ronald. Twinkle has a long song segment, but they make no suggestion that she's alive. Apparently Puppetino recognizes him after a year and a wood to skin change, and genius Pinocchio says he's been turned human by a fairy. Everyone in the audience suddenly vanishes as Puppetino actually buys the fairy tale, gets a giant set of lips, and taunts him using Twinkle.

He agrees to be a star, starts turning into a puppet, doesn't notice it, then does notice it, and then Puppetino turns him into a puppet using his... Music Box of doom... Hold on, I'm getting FNAF flashbacks again.

So Pinocchio is forced to be a puppet again and Gee takes after him with Bumblebee man after saving him. They fly and fly through the countryside and then are suddenly in the room. The fairy appears and talks about freedom, then brings him to life again. Pinocchio bluntly lies about what happened for absolutely no reason. She turns him back to a human.

Pinocchio starts home when he realizes he can stop and get the box- No! Pinocchio, I didn't mean now dammit! Now you should head home, now you've been turned into a puppet against your will, and now you're thinking of going back in?! So  Pinocchio's a liar, a drunk, and a moron. Great.

Geppetto finds Pinocchio gone and is saddened. Ironically enough, Pinocchio would have been home by time he came upstairs.

Pinocchio runs into Abu and Tom Nook who were scammed by Puppetino off screen and is tricked into helping them find the carnival from a picture of Twinkle who he knows isn't alive. Then Gee runs into bumblebee man- Wait a minute. Is the movie repeating itself? They head to the bug village where neither Pinocchio nor the Emperor of the Night are, so I'm just going to skip this incredibly drawn out scene.

Pinocchio is getting scammed by Tom and Abu, then the bugs return. Pinocchio saves Tom and Abu from a giant fish, then the bugs return. Finally they all meet up and Tom and Abu apparently have a change of heart and nearly crash the boat trying to stop Pinocchio whose so determined now that he's borderline insane, but mostly stupid, and they're swallowed by the... Ship? Which apparently the inside of is the Empire of the Night? Something along those lines.

Suddenly an evil gondolier approaches, I can't believe I wrote that. He has red, flashing eyes, the others know it is a trap, and yet Pinocchio AGAIN does something stupid and goes with him. With a big, dumb grin on his face he hops aboard. Yet Pinocchio's determination can't outlast slight temptation of flashing lights and generic music. He decides to ignore going to go after the box, this box that he nearly killed himself to get to, and goes to the place 'where dreams come true'.

Oh, I know what you're thinking, but it's not Disneyland. They would've been in a lot more hot water if it was.

Also, if this is a sequel to Pinocchio then this means it would be the second time he was tricked to a place where children get whatever they want with a price. At this point they should've just said that it was a remake of the original, because it's pulling all of the cards from that one... Except, you know, making any sort of cohesive sense.

Two minutes in the blurry and dark nightclub and Pinocchio gets drunk, and soon afterwards sobers on a stage where...Gee is suddenly there. There's a musical number as they tempt Pinocchio with being a star... Which apparently was his main goal in the movie and not the jeweled box. Now Tom and Abu are suddenly there as well, so I'm assuming they must have swam. So they dress in drag and jump on stage... Because, you know, becoming a different gender makes you unrecognizable?

So they fail and Puppetino appears, then so does the Emperor of the Night who, I'll admit, does look evil enough... Though I fail to understand why Puppetino and the Emperor really want this boy. Pinocchio doesn't do anything special at all and, other than once being a puppet, he's really not anything interesting... Also, the tone of this movie is all over the place. Looking at the Emperor and then looking at Pinocchio- These two concepts should not exist together.

The first smart thing Pinocchio asks is why they want him, but they just talk about the more recent contract he agreed to sign after the fun. Then they FINALLY reveal that they want him because he's the only puppet whose lived as a real boy, and that they know about the fairy, or maybe they found out when Pinocchio mentioned it. Then they drop him into puppet hell. Gee suddenly appears, confronts the Emperor, and is tossed out of the ship.

So apparently Abu and Tom are in the cage as well now- I guess their brilliant disguises didn't work- and Tom explains how the Emperor tricks people. Then he explains in a confusing twist that every time someone is tricked and loses freedom that it weakens the fairy and powers him. So that would mean that the fairy is the fairy of freedom? It seems like the moral would make more sense if it was 'will'. Instead of being free, being the ability to freely choose and be able to argue against temptation. They sound similar but are actually not; Pinocchio has fine freedom but a lack of willpower, and it would be his willpower and resistance to temptation that would keep him free. Ergo; willpower equals choice that triggers freedom.

Gee runs into the Bumblebee Man AGAIN. Seriously, what is going on here? Which of these two is outright stalking the other one? Regardless, Gee stands in the water for a few frames, and they hurry off.

The Emperor talks to Pinocchio who now clarifies that he just wants the box- No, that's not consistent anymore- and Tom offers himself and Abu for him. The Emperor refuses the offer and then says he'll let Pinocchio go, giving him the box, and revealing Geppetto inside... He's tiny, not a bunch of smooshed parts or anything. Now Pinocchio agrees to sign if he lets everyone go and makes his father big again. Though, again, it isn't like Geppetto is in immediate danger, he'll just be tiny for the rest of his life. Difficult, but not a death threat.

So he signs and then the Emperor goes back on his word. Pinocchio kicks Puppetino in the groin area, grabs his father, and then stands there with Tom and Abu who refuse to run. Puppetino grabs him again, but Pinocchio uses the awesome power of choice- which at this point he just shouldn't have signed period- and knocks him aside. Choice and freedom are blue, apparently. Pinocchio is apparently the only once with this power too and says they choose what happens... Indeed you do, son. You chose to make stupid decision after stupid decision.

The Emperor gets weakened by what is basically just saying 'no' over and over. The place starts to fall and Pinocchio grabs Twinkle instead of the jeweled box; yet another misjudgement of priorities, Pinocchio. They get to a door and instead of climbing atop each other to open it, Pinocchio... Lies his way into opening it? Even though that handle would've just slipped and refused to cooperate. They run through doors, talk a little, and then willingly throw themselves through a sealed door and are completely fine afterwards, not even a splinter.

They all jump overboard except for Pinocchio and the Emperor tries to kidnap Geppetto and is thwarted by two bugs. Can I even voice how pitiful this Emperor is? Actually, I can; Pinocchio gives a 'no', runs at the Emperor, and the Emperor is destroyed.

The next morning everyone awakens on the beach and Pinocchio has a 'protagonist seems dead but really isn't' moment. Abu makes out with him and Pinocchio celebrates being a real boy again. Then Twinkle appears and is actually a real girl now. I'm guessing she was a trapped girl or something, but she gets one line of zero character development and suddenly the fairy appears. The person who they basically saved and who has done absolutely nothing. She gives them the jeweled box and leaves again. Gee and Bumblebee flirt with each other and then they all head home.

So in the end, what did Pinocchio earn? Ten gold pieces, two con men, a girlfriend, and a couple of bugs. You probably are wondering if I missed something, like him now knowing he has a choice, and you see... That's the main problem with the movie. The moral of the story does not make sense. The moral is; you have choice and freedom and that it is valuable. Though what it should be is 'don't be stupid just because you can be'. Multiple times Pinocchio makes stupid decisions and doesn't ever really learn that they were stupid, as he keeps doing them.

Pinocchio himself is the biggest downside to me. He's learned the lessons in the original story and is still extremely foolish, not growing at all during the process of the story. His priorities change between getting the jeweled box, being a star, getting Twinkle, and more so fast that it is insanity. You can argue that children change their mind a lot, but this is not even in the same ballpark. Real boys and girls get scared once and become wary of the threat, but Pinocchio seems to forget everything he learns seconds afterwards. Such as, moments after being trapped as a puppet and escaping he decides to go right back in to find the jeweled box. What would've made more sense is if he went in for the box originally and on the way to escape and get home he ran into Tom and Abu, who managed to convince him.

You see, the moral would have worked BETTER if Pinocchio's problem wasn't silly choices, but was going along with others without making a choice. If that sounds familiar to the original story then, well, that's because it is. This movie takes a lot from the Disney adaptation as well.

Geppetto's a cool enough guy. The fact that he actually gets upset at Pinocchio when he loses the box is somewhat of a plus and you can see his distraught when the next morning his boy is gone. Though he doesn't get much screentime and how he gets captured is never explained.

Ironically enough, forced comic relief Tom and Abu are way more entertaining than Pinocchio. Most comic relief don't push the plot or help, just making jokes or even making things more difficult, but these two generally seem to be trying. They're not as daft as Pinocchio at least. It's also obvious that these two are based off of the Disney con-animals, and Abu is clearly based off of Abu. I think it's sort of a nice touch that they offer themselves for Pinocchio... Even though they should have bailed on him long ago.

The Emperor of the Night is a joke who doesn't have his priorities straight. There's a lot of inconsistencies; such as him saying Pinocchio would be his only puppet who was a real boy and yet later having Tom suggest that he's tricked other children... So they would be real too, right? Regardless, disagreement and refusal to cooperate kills him.

Puppetino is... Creepy towards the beginning, bland and uninteresting towards the end. Enough said.

I thought Bumblebee Man would replace the 'bug whose a conscious', but apparently there's him and Gee. While they have an interesting friendship, a lot of the time on them seems wasted as, in the end, neither really contribute anything. Pinocchio never listens to Gee and the two always just save each other. The only thing they do is grab Geppetto at the end, and that was only because of Pinocchio's incompetence.

I almost think Twinkle is a meta joke of some kind. Like when a female character has no personality or use other than being a love interest. Twinkle's personality is never shown because she's only alive at the end, yet she's one of the biggest plotpoints in the story. If she would've shown some sort of sentience beforehand, maybe a puppet like Pinocchio was who hadn't earned becoming real, then we could've seen a personality and a stronger drive to save her. As far as we see, she's a lifeless puppet who suddenly become a girl at the end. They could've cut some of the bug stuff for her character development.

So in the end, what do I rate the movie? With 10 as the best I've ever seen, 1 as the worst, and 5 as average I would give it probably a 4 or 4.5. It's not particularly a bad movie and has some interesting parts, but the moral, the bland music numbers, and Pinocchio himself set the movie back. If they would've changed a few things, shifted some character focus, and tweaked the moral slightly I would've enjoyed it more. It is a pretty silly premise, but it's not going to hurt your kids if they want to watch it. I didn't feel like I wasted time when it ended, but I did feel like I was getting dragged along at some scenes in the movie.

Also, I think it was more enjoyable than Happily Ever After, tapeworm carnival included. Drink up, Pinocchio! This round's on me!

Reviewing Facebook Games: (Candy Crush Soda, Cafeland, Cross Stitch World, Suburbia.)

Before you ask, no. I don't use Facebook for anything other than contacting distant relatives who I won't give my number out to. I only recently started to try games on it out of sheer boredom. Here are a few I tried:

Candy Crush Soda: Eh.

So maybe I just played the wrong game, but I decided to try out Candy Crush Soda today. I've heard of how much of a hit Candy Crush Saga became and how allegedly addicting it was, so it seemed fitting to try it when I found that I could play it on my laptop. After a few turns of playing and a few levels... I was incredibly underwhelmed by my findings.

On all account, Candy Crush Soda is a relatively alright puzzle game match three candies or special combos to break bottles or free bears, or whatever else the game will eventually offer, but the problem is that the game is rather standard. Having played a ton of match 3 games in my time I have no clue why this is so popular. It's... Fun, I guess, in short intervals, but I find myself getting bored after a few goes. I can't even empty my current energy before I'm ready to quit.

The difficulty on the game is basically 'luck'. No easy, no hard, just luck. Getting a good or bad hand is mostly what gets you through. Not much thinking is needed to get through a level and the success you get is a brief score and showing you reached the next level in the line. Little sort of reward of any kind and every moment I worked at a level I felt like I was just wasting time.

Not sure why everyone talks about how addicting this is. I had a harder time forcing myself to keep playing.

Cafeland: Plays itself.

At first I really thought Cafeland was a cute idle game that was relatively fun, but soon I realized that it lacks any form of time management. It's mostly a waiting game. Once you fill your counters with food there's nothing you can do except click tips off of tables and wait. The quickest food to finish takes ten seconds and has only ten servings, foods that take longer have more servings, but it baffles me seeing things like steaks that take ten hours to cook. It's sort of unbelievable.

The challenges quickly need you to make these longer dishes too. It doesn't help that they also can go bad; if you start a ten hour meal you better be back or it will spoil. Then you can buy a sauce to fix it, but the money system is- Well, bluntly, it all leads back to real money. You can buy some things with hearts, you can buy hearts with dollars, and you can buy dollars with real money.

More of a screensaver than a game. I may keep checking in, but I don't foresee it getting any better than this point.

Cross Stitch World: Actually Enjoyable

Maybe it's just me, but I actually found myself interested in the relatively uninteresting gameplay. It's sort of when you zone out doing a meager task; such as matching colored thread to spots to make a picture. It's quite slow and not for everyone, but I found that it eased any frustration or anxiety I had while doing it.

That being said, it can eat a lot of time, and a single crossstitch took about two hours when I went for fifteen minutes, stopped, and started again. There was also only about ten immediately offered patterns. There may be more, but I'm under the impression that you'd have to buy more. Unfortunately I don't think it would be fun to do the same one twice so I'm guessing there's actually a limit that I'd hit quicker if the cross stitch wasn't as long as it was.

Again, it is something that depends fully on the person playing, and I recommend playing while listening to something in the background or watching TV.

Suburbia: My Neighbor Ned

I was drawn in thinking it was like the Sims and, to my surprise, it actually really is. You uncover one of those 'scandalous' stories that you'll see involving any desperate housewife. While I normally am bored stiff of this sort of over-dramatic soap opera-like scenario, I found that I kind of liked the game. It basically feels like a big parody and it doesn't take itself very seriously.

Basically you become the owner of a rundown house gifted to you by a friend. Next thing you know, you're involved in the disappearance of a rockstar, a murder, and Ned 'Flanders' who constantly looks like he's yelling and is obsessed with his garden. All the while you can fix your house up as well.

There are some problems; later on energy gets eaten rather quickly. In one level you have to fix Ned's garden after he goes on a rampage. That means you need to fertilize the tulips eight times and water them eight times; all of which takes one energy. So no matter what you will have to stop playing and return later to finish it. Sometimes you will need items to complete a task; but thankfully you can search for them which wastes energy instead of actual money.

Yet at the same time it is frustrating to spam a high cabinet four to five times just to get a bowl of sugar that may not appear. It's also difficult when skills take so long to grow. Some will take one energy and then need thirty minutes to grow to the point where you can gather the experience from them. It just seems like the energy disappears very quickly, but it also seems to refuel quick enough. About five minutes a point and sometimes you can also collect energy from other means.

All in all, I do think I'll return to the game for a while. Less to discover the story and more just to try to see where the game will lead me; I don't expect any surprises but I do feel like I am enjoying myself well enough.


Well, that's it for now! I'll make another of these once I have found four more Facebook games worth mentioning!

Nintendo Badge Arcade: I'm at my limit!

Okay, no more defending this game. I actually reviewed it at some point, but never posted said review, about how the Badge Arcade got a bad rap since you didn't have to pay for it. Technically there didn't seem to be any downfall. I'd play the game, win badges, stick them on my home menu, and wait for the next day. However, today I realized the horrible truth about Nintendo's Badge Arcade; even that is too much to ask.

I turned on the game and headed into the practice catcher as usual. It was a particularly easy one with an ice bottom and a lot of practice badges to collect, so I got over twenty practice badges and two free plays. Then I collected one of those red badges that gives three goes. Delighted, I eagerly went through and collected actual badges. In the end I knocked out a Fire Emblem catcher and grabbed a few various Mario Kart ones and a puppet Toon Link. All was looking good and I returned to the menu.

After only putting two of the many badges down I was hit with a message saying I hit the main menu badge type limit. I couldn't believe this; the badges were in my 3DS anyway, why on Earth would there be a limit?! Putting them on the menu and looking through them was practically the only thing I could do with them anyway, so why would that be limited? I don't think they think I'll use up all my memory, and if I do that should be my choice and not theirs to make.

This brought up so many more problems. I've got to wonder if I would be allowed a wider limit if I would've sunken money into the game, which is absolutely out of the question. I spend my money very carefully and a dollar could buy me a lot more than a badge that I can't use inside a virtual game. Hell, with that money I could probably find a real badge catcher and then get one I can do other things with.

Of course there's posting it online. You get a nice theme, put characters down, and then arrange a nice picture... Except for one thing; even themes are off limit to the nonpaying public. You get themes after putting out money, not before. From what I'm aware of you can't even look at them until you put out something. That's pitifully underhanded and a poor business choice. If I was going to shell out money for a theme I would most likely shell out the money after I saw what it was worth, not before just to buy a few free plays for useless pictures I have a limit on.

Now the defense could be stated that, again, I am not paying so I can't complain. How am I supposed to pay for something when it has no value?! These badges literally aren't good for anything and everything comes with a limit or a price tag. Dirty pool, Mister, dirty pool.

So what now? Well, I quit the badge arcade and I stop backing up the blasted thing. There is nothing to really do with it anymore regardless; I only enjoyed putting all the ones I collected onto my menu and no longer can even do that. I'll do what I've done before; cut it off and fight the urge to go back. It is certainly not worth it at this rate.

As for the badges already collected I can't really do much except leave them there and let them collect dust... Oh wait, they can't even do that.

I remember the Rabbit once asking about a badge game so I'd say they're probably going to release, eventually, a game that the badges work for. You'll pay some money to buy the game and then use the badges, being tempted to return to the arcade for more, and at least then there might be a temptation if the game was good.

For now I'll sleep just fine without the badge arcade and lament the time I wasted along the way.